almarion

almarion @ 2006-09-10T18:17:00

2006-09-10T22:19:33Z

its a strange thing. when we hear about death. we are so removed from it. its really not that real. probably because we all don't feel. we are prevented to feel. or we all put up walls because we don't know who we are, or we are afraid of who we are.

but whos truly afraid afraid to feel and know that is not fake and gaudy?

who can truly mourn for something and have nothing to lose. we all need to be "composed" we all need to have it all together and those who do feel, those who do "lose it" are those who seek attention and sympathy.

perhaps if we all recieved sympathy in moderation, if we could all feel everyday and not feel ashamed of it. we could truly feel when there is a death. and we would all have compassion.

So why is the river flowing backwards?

2006-03-06T14:53:03Z

Actually, I am just rambling here today:

A few thoughts that have been inside of my head. I don't know, perhaps its again spending time in my car so much driving around (though i have cut back due to gas) A quick side thought, poor Chris Jones, has no car now. But hey atleast his debts are being paid off! Any ways, back to me me me!~ Hmm... lets see where to start. Last night I actually felt lonely. I mean, I felt no need for companionship. Hold up, i take that back, I felt no LONGING for companionship, but I do appreciate spending time with my friends. Tehre we go! I mean, I didn't want someone to cuddle with. I no longer see the neccesity of physical comfort, as far as I am concerned, there is not such thing. I wanted someone to sit with, and converse with. Mental comfort. Someone my age to just shoot the shit with and perhaps share a bottle of wine. Riesling is my new favorite, and Kendall-Jackson is still my favorite brand. Back to topic: up until that moment, I savored and treasured my solitude. Dont' get me wrong, I'm still one for insane parties and the first to start up with some stupidass shit, but there is some depth to every personality. And last night I suppose was the first time I wished that I had someone. Someone I could just sit with in one of those golden moments of peaceful enjoyment where all is right with the world and we are all a part of the beauty and wonder and we know it. We are nothing but we are everything, that is how everything living creature great and small are. "Thats you baby!" ^_- (i speak to everyone, you are all wonderful, every defect is a perfection of its own) Take my body for an example, I am so many scars stretch marks, blemishes over my entire being (except my face thank you God!) but I still look alrt for someone my age! But I digress, I am again appreciating my time alone since Mr. Jones just walked out the door! yay! partay for the next hour here!! lol.

Some other thoughts I have been having. I know in an earlier blog I mentioned something about transforming from a Fire element personality to a Water-dominant. well, i find myself wondering a lot about this which is unusual for me b/c i could've cared less about elements back when i knew i was a fire element. which, this whole element thing still confuses the FUCK outta me! all i know is i am a leo, a definite fire sign under the sun, and i am still influenced by the sun, but now apparently the moon b/c i'm water. I am also born the yr of the Wood Rat so i don't fuckin know! Yet I had read memoirs of a geisha and there are a lot of personlity traits i assimilate to and i find myself comparing her choice of actions and thought patterns to mine (the main character Sakamoto Chiyo or Ritta Sayuri was a dominant water personality type). I mean, i don't hide anything, water is clear, you can see right through me... if you wanted to. I let things slide and i'm accepting (wow that was ridiculously sexual rt there) but what i mean is, waters get choppy over rocks and waters fall etc etc but in the end, its still smooth flowing. I am laid back and I work hard and I am in a little bit of everything and still i'm not lost. I suppose in another essence I have really become a phoenix again. Water is recycled throught its natural processes. it always comes back and it can flow into large lakes or small streams or big oceans but it can always return to roots, its past is never lost or hidden from it. (shit man i'm writing a lot) Whereas before, i would crash and burn before i would attempt putting my life back together again. antoher way like the phoenix dying in flames but always coming back, either strong or weak. But water. just look at katrina and what it did, floods, etc. i always saw water and just something there and just calm and controllable that u can put into a container. but its a neccesity for life to exist, its can be easygoing and let u do as u wish, but its not powerless, to say to least. ah, Last but not least (4 now) on water, i do have my secrets and mysteries. Every ocean has an unexplored bottom (again, strangley sexual but not intentional) and even though there is nothing preventing the owrld from knowing my secrets, there is still the risk of being crushed by me before you reach the bottom. I don't like to brag, but i have a very dynamic personality and there are angles to things... often times some of my friends cant' handle knowing more than one of my sides. just because i hold back, doesn't me i am not all me all there. besides the cultural differences, there is my professional life, my rocker life, my workaholic life and my dreams. They are all different sides of me that elicit diferent emotions from me and different frams of mind. I guess my goal is to finally find someone someday who shares a lot of the smae aspects as me but still worlds apart and different so that we may never stop learning from each other and enver grow bored. He's out there. i konw. until htem, i'll treasure the presence and support of beloved friends. Which brings us back to a circle, i guess last night i was tired and i just wanted a quiet night with a few close friends but i was at my parents and it was VERY late. i WAS wishing for a companion and toying with the idea of dating again and that led way to fear that i may be reverting back to my old pathetic ways. And even tho it is true and I am not dead set against having a boyfriend, i just don't want to date the next shmuck that stirkes my fancy. ....m/ Know waht ReAl LoVe is, and live it!

i suppose u can say that I can really love you if u know what I mean by love. ^_-

ugh

2005-11-01T15:06:00Z

an extremely depressing week. After the passing of a close friends paternal support (her father) I end the relationship with someone I care greatly for. However, the relationship was a doomed one. And I, at last, realize that I MUST be alone. My spirit is by far too independent. And I fear that I can no longer find a suitable mate. If I do, well... he's no where near where I am at the moment in life. so... slowly shall we all trudge on...

disappointment

2005-10-25T00:36:52Z

I don't mean to tear at you
I didn't mean to break your heart.
But if you only tried see,
what was there, inside of me
Instead of running far far away
To a place where I couldn't stay

Then I wouldn't have to despise you so
... oh myg. i g2g.

just needing the inspiration of something familiar

2005-10-13T00:05:39Z

Body:
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor

gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student

and had breezed through the questions until I read

the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the

school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the

cleaning woman several times. She was tall,

dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her

name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question

blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if

the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,

you will meet many people. All are significant. They

deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is

smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her

name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American

woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway

trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had

broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally

unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man

took her to safety, helped her get assistance and

put her into a taxicab.

She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his

address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a

knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a

giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A

special note was attached..

It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway

the other night. The rain drenched not only my

clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.

Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying

husband's bedside just before he passed away... God

bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving

others."

Sincerely,

Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those

who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,

a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and

sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in

front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and

studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he

inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the

waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on

the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice

cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress

came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the

table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,

was one quarter, two dimes and five pennies.

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had

to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our

Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a

roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if

anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the

king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by

and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the

King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did

anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of

vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the

peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the

stone to the side of the road. After much pushing

and straining, he finally succeeded. After the

peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed

a purse lying in the road where the boulder had

been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note

from the King indicating that the gold was for the

person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The

peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve

our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a

hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who

was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only

chance of recovery appeared to be a blood

transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had

miraculously survived the same disease and had

developed the antibodies needed to combat the

illness. The doctor explained the situation to her

little brother, and asked the little boy if he would

be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a

deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will

save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in

bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,

seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his

face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a

trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the

doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his

sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Now you have 2 choices.

1. Delete this email, or

2. Forward it to people you care about.

I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember.

Most importantly.................. "Work like you

don't need the money, love like you've never been

hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."

NOW more than ever - Peace...Pay It Forward

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away."

almarion @ 2005-10-05T15:26:00

2005-10-05T19:27:48Z

Opening, into a sea of happiness
Thriving upon some reassurance
Its not as real as your fearlessness
That you bore upon thy temperance.

Truth be told, Its more than real
Follow through, ignore thy whim
Not left alone, not allowed to heal.
Through the blood, you must swim.

Golden Ages lost in tragedy
What sake of this is for my memory?
Sitting in my heart such fragility
A ghost in place of adorability

Is it better for the bitter?
Not to suffer from the recall
And learn from the procrastinator
And turn away from truth and all?

All the while, keep on pleading
Losing certainty in denile,
Mind and heart bent on believing
How was thy so infantile?

We hide our fears and look away
Walk on in our everyday parade
Choking on our lives in dismay
Deathbed we should have all laid

Perhaps its better to have lost
Then made a hell of my soul
My heart now, edged with frost
Chill me through my being whole.

loooookie!!

2005-09-27T16:01:29Z

again. revisited. zai lai yi ci

2005-09-01T18:44:38Z

Living on the run, a cold sore on my tongue. Blisters on my hand, Wanted as a demand.

Ok, so I'm not techinically homeless. i'm one of those insanely spoiled brats who drives a '96 lexus es300 and can go home to mommy and daddy at ne time, but can't b/c she inevitably fights with her mother who is rationality-handicapped thanks to some semitruck driver 6 yrs ago. I'm just living from house to house. friends to friends and rotating so i won't become too much of a burden. and hoping that enuf of her debt left behind on her by her ridiculous ex would shrink enuf so that she could afford a place to call her own. sorta.

and suffering from insecurity in anyone but herself. is slightly worried about her boyfriend falling out of love with her, despite what words say. But she wonders why b/c it is so hard to be attached. I'm sure this all has something to do with my monthly cycle. I am a lot more stable than I am at the moment.

I know what it means when u scream, i know who it is you dream.

heh

2005-08-15T18:33:49Z

Oh why don't we all just go out and promote stupidity. (I'm being sarcastic)

just a jumble of thoughts today.

2005-08-08T11:31:16Z

this summer was not a complete waste. i might have finally "breached the gap" and brought myself back full circle... or perhaps I have never been more lost than I have now. When i finally "get it" about what life is supposed to be. Am I not also expecting the stereotype my family wants me to be. Even though my thoughts on some things are a lot clearer, I fear I might have lost some clarity about myself to myself. All I know is that I can see clearly from all points and understand, and I can see things they don't want me to. But I still have a choice. I jsut don't know what to pick. I have abandoned love for money because love has betrayed me. Many times. I hope this is merely temporary. But money is so much more of a stable goal that won't betray you and you can control (to a certain degree). I hate not having my life in my hands. I'm still struggling. Hopefully I'll find it soon. Time to look for a place to move out to. (like... keeping a distance from home.)

21

2005-08-02T05:20:58Z

I am finally legal for everything... so nothing left to wait for except retirement nad collecting social security! >< lol. i sure I have something introspective to say like every other asshole, but frankly i am too lazy and there are enuf ppl out there, like my cousin and his buddies, who think they are brilliant so I will just let them do the talkign and i'll just sit here and listen to it pretending like i'm hearing something new. again... but in a serious line, my visit to China this year was not a total waste. i was able to draw deep within myself and find some answers i was searching for... so there has been a conclusion... somewhat. ooh! UFC. though not a big fan, still exciting to watch brutes with bad tattoos beat the hell outta each other. Tito is such a ... not gonna say, might insult his fans.
o yeah... still waiting to get my digicam working and settle back in, I am blonde now... b/c i''m bored and cant afford ne mroe tattoos at the moment. and too pierced up in hide-able places...

Grind down the skin to reveal bare bone

2005-07-28T23:33:46Z

Now that I've been home for a while... I feel much better. however being in China was not a complete waste. I introverted to find things about myself. And now I have a clearer vision of what is what. I just need a week or so more to clear my head and I should be fine.

headed home...

2005-07-23T01:33:28Z

So this evening i will finally be in Shanghai adn my sister and i will go live with our one aunt. Thank God. I cannot stand living with my mother. This nightmare is nearly over. I want to be home.

...looks around, nonchalant...

2005-07-21T18:23:54Z

slowly slips into a mode I usually try to avoid. One of deep thought, this brief sanctuary. A moment of peace. As I grind my teeth against the unbearable itch of a mosquito bit on the sole of my foot, i back track to my earlier post.
I was over reacting. My mother and I got into a horrible spat this morning. Its inevitable, the woman tried to make right out of wrong. For seven years I hold my tongue and kept in mind that she is a handicap and the brain damage dodges rationality from her at times. However... its just too "beg for mercy" difficult to live with her. These 2 months of near hell. My mother died and was buried inside of her. I keep it short and get to the point. I'm usually quite passive. But I was driven to the point where I could have killed her. The things she would say. Begging God to kill me. Disowning me. Calling me names when all I did was accidentally drop a little cheap stone spoon and gave her a little attitude due to headache when she told me to clean it up. Things quickly escalated. I understand how difficult it is for her to get around or get out and how bored and flustered she must be all the time. But after living with her for so long when I clearly avoid going home, it was like Armageddon. The only thing she could use was her mouth and boy did she. Things no one else would dare say to me for fear I would slit their throat. ...But she doesnt' know. Oh course not. She's not my mother. not anymore. I suppose its a good thing we are trapped in China. Back home, I would have left. Just up and left and said fuck everything I am staying for and went to live from friends' house to house. The sibs will turn out alrt... a little fucked up but still alrt without me there.
I am still upset to the utter point of exhaustion. Trying hard to control myself and not do anything i would regret. But just to show you that my heart is not utterly black and I'm not completely consumed by rage. ... here... I wrote this after visiting my grandfather's tombstone a few weeks ago:

Here is a story based on a true event about someone I know, my mother:

My father's funeral. The flowers, the people. Its all a blur. I look at my youngest child, my son. He has tears in his eyes like a good little boy should. My father was my shelter from my mother's rage, he was the stability and reason in all the crazy times the family has been through. I miss him very much. I hate not having been able to say goodbye. Last I saw him, he was gaunt but still was a proud man who loved honor. A General with many men under him who understood the value of loyalty. I miss him so much, I'm not ready to let him go. Its so sad, but soon, I won't even remember his funeral... ...

The world seems so fake. Its almost as if i were zoned out. I don't even realize that my eyes are open and i am seeing things. I had recieved severe head trauma, and nothing seems real. I don't know that i've been in this state for quite some time now. My eyes are open and they see, but I cannot take in whats around me. I am trapped inside my body. I cannot make my mind work. I am a vegetable. Why can't I make my mind register what my eyes can see? ... ...
A bubble... whats the word? A shiny bubble floating near the ceiling. Its a balloon. Its doing something. It feels as if the bridges in my mind have collapsed and i cannot make rhyme or reason out of anything. the ... shit, what was it called again? The shiny bubble. It should be attached to something. I don't even realize it, but my hand goes out and grabs the ribbon tied to the ballon. I grabbed my son's hand. The rest is a blur of excitement, too much for me to register. I soon become tired. I sleep again.
Slowly, my mind had begun to heal. Its been quite a few months now and I am home from the hospital. I still cannot speak very well and my head is still very cloudy. I behave like a newborn child and I need people to hold me up when i stand. There is something. Something I have to ask, where is my father? I want to tell them about my dream. I never dream. But this time, the dream was so fresh in my mind still, it felt almost as if it were real.

I was still in the hospital. The RN was holding me up adn I was walking around by my house in America. I was looking for my father. I had something to tell him, but I don't remember what. I through parks and by water and through cemetaries. I walked all over America with the nurse by my side. But my father was no where to be found. I wasn't tired, I continued to search. I searched for a very long time. Finally, we were in China somewhere. I knew it was China because of the feeling I get in my bones everytime I am home. I walked by all the places I knew so well growing up. I walked and walked until I came to an unfamiliar place where there was no one but me and the nurse. In the distance, there, I saw my father in his General's uniform. He was commanding a unit of men. I walked towards him as quickly as i could and it seemed to take an eternity, but I had finally followed him. I was finally going to see him again. I walked up to him, wishing I could live in the peaceful place for the rest of my life with him to protect me because I had become a little girl again, one he could pull on his lap and tell stories to before bed. I called out to my father. He turned. Seeing me, he smiled and asked how I was. I told him I was searching for him and it took a long time to find him.
"Where's Yin?" He asked about my eldest child. I pointed behind me, where I had come from. In the distance, my children and my husband we;re playing ball together. They seemed so far away. Almost like they were in a different world. My father asked me how my family was, I told him they were doing very well and asked if he knew about my last child. I don't recall if they had ever met.
"Of course, and how old is little Edward now?" He asked. I told him he had jsut turned four years old. It was then I asked my father is I could stay with him.
"You can't!" You snapped at me in a very stern voice. The kind he used towards him men and to me when I was in trouble for something. I asked him why not and he lost his temper, "Now is not your time!" He pulled out his gun and pointed it at me, "Get the hell out of here or I'll shoot!" I never questioned my father's reasons, but it was so hard to find him, I tried to protest one more time, but he told his unit to pull out their guns on me, "The littlest one is only four years old! How did I raise you? Never forget your responsibilities! Now Leave!" I had no choice but to obey. I walked back the way I had come. When I got out of sight, I turned back to look one more time. I had finally found my father.

It was quite a few weeks more before I could speak well enough to tell anyone about that dream. upon finishing it. I asked where my father was. My husband looked at me with a funny face, "You don't remember?" he asked. I looked at my son, "Tang Hua," I asked, "Where is your grandfather?" I wanted to tell my father about the dream I had of him. I couldn't understnad the look on my daughters face. Couldn't understand that I never called my son by his given name, he was always Eddieward to me. I coudln't understand that soon I would be dead to my daughter. I wish I could see things the way I used to when I had a clear head.
My brother called from China. I asked him about my father. He was silent for a while. Slowly, "Don't you remember his funeral last autumn? And picking out a cemetary?" In an instant, my mind cleared for a second and I knew that my father had kicked me out of heaven and back into life because my duty as a mother here was not finished. Even if it were so, I saw my father for the one last time and that I give a lot for.

Epilogue:
My mother and I fight a lot. Its as if who she once was is buried in that grave inside her body. There are so many things that are completely different. Lost memories. Wrong memories. Things she's never do before. Not doing things she would do before. Lack of reasoning. I take it the hardest because my mother pre-accident was my best friend even if she was manically depressed, and scarred me emotionally. She is not the same person anymore. But sometimes, in brief moments. My real mother still shines out to let me know that she's not completely gone. I have tried to find a best friend in my father. But its a lot more difficult. For all those asian girls out there, you know how it is. Dad makes the money, the mom raises the kids. Which leads to my next point. I have become the "mother" of the family, even to my own mother sometimes. That story was mostly accurate. My mother did ahve the dream and she did forget about my grandfather's death. However, I obviously can't tell it as she would. But I did my best. The one I left out the most was my sister, Jane. Not b/c she played an insignificant role. Its just that she was at that impressionable age and we wanted her to understand it in the easiest way possible as to not complicate her emotional development. Also, she was raised by our aunt up until age 2, and we must admit, in her toddler years, she was a lot closer to DaGuMa. As for my father. I remember a year later looking at him and seeing how much older he looked and it scared me. Thus, at age 14, my life became coveted. And eventually into shambles. It was hard enough being a teenager. But to take on a partial responsibility of raising kids and reasoning like an adult caused many sacrifices on my behalf I wasn't quite ready to make. But I did it. And I made it. And i know its a sin for me to want my mother left in China, especially since my grandfather made her go back. But my brother is 10 and still shares a room with her. She yells at my sister for the stupidest things and treats me liek i'm still 14. Its unbearable. My father is the only one she listens too but she still stresses him out more than he needs to be. Still. We are coping. I end my story here.

Lordy this is Difficult!!!

2005-07-21T14:27:13Z

as you probably all know... I'm still in China. (yes... STILL) and if this entry manages to post... hallelujah! B/c everything on this site is in fucking Chinese!!! and its quite difficult for me to read. I read literally one word at a time, takign me many seconds to recall the word... thats like reading things one letter at a time... then piecing it all together... i much rather not bother reading Chinese at all... I'll write something real in a week. when i finally get home and stop hating my mother. Tung better keep his gun locked and the key well away from me. Its so difficult living with the woman you love but has turned into an irrational... I dunno. I'm too angry to find a word right now... Damn car accidents. I wonder if it would have been better if she would have died. Instead of this lunatic who ... I'm exhausted, I no longer wish to dwell on this topic.